


"i steal a look when you're not with me,"

by orphan_account



Category: Funhaus (Video Blogging RPF)
Genre: Angst, Lots of kissing, Multi, hello angst my old friend, i mention matt like three times, kisssing, totally au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 08:37:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13498478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "And maybe most fifteen year olds don’t know what love is, but he thinks it’s Elyse in those ratty old clown yellow shoes that are barely together."





	"i steal a look when you're not with me,"

**Author's Note:**

> super sorry if they're out of character, i just started this like months ago and im just now posting it
> 
> it's suppposed to be told out of chronological order

**_“don’t you see you’re already one foot in the ground,”_ **

It’s not like Adam doesn’t know his own limits, he knows them, he just chooses to pretend that they’re not there and that he’s invincible. That he’s not full of anxiety and prone to every sickness known to man. So he knows that drinking four beers and doing thirteen shots of straight tequila is a dumbass idea. Adam is also aware of the disappointed looks on Matt’s red stained face and the deep protruding frown on his lips, but he just can’t bring himself to care. 

Adam is vaguely aware of the prickling sensation in the base of his fingers, signaling an anxiety attack because of house much alcohol he’s consumed and he knows that his doctor explained that his anxiety disorder shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol, but he can’t be bothered to listen or even care. And it’s only when Matt whispers, “You’re killing yourself for people who aren't worth it,” and it makes him boil because he knows Matt’s right. And Adam maybe hollers that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about at him and earns a stinging ear pull outside where the air is bitter and cold and full of the faint smells of the trash cans in the alleyways.

And if he accidentally pukes all over Matt’s expensive burgundy shoes, then serves him right (he actually apologizes and offers to make him dinner forever). Adam looks pathetically at the wedding streamers and trampled on plastic cups and says, “You’re probably right, but they’re made of sunlight and I’m so fucking glad they looked at me,” and it makes him feel weak and pathetic and maybe he is, but Matt is there and he smiles at him sometimes. 

But Matt stands him up and smooths his hair out, handing him a mint and whispering, “Come back inside, dance with me, and then come home with me,” and if Adam blinks like a deer, then that’s his business and if he agrees, then well, that’s also his business too. 

And if he wakes up in the morning, Matt’s naked body next to him on the day after James’ wedding and cries into his chest, then well, it probably didn’t happen in the first place. 

**_“there’s a dirty bomb in my head, been swimmin’ in this hotel bed for days,”_ **

It’s always an accident, Adam thinks one night. It’s never on purpose, falling in love with your best friend. It happens so slowly that it’s not even a conscious thought, imagining their lips smashed to yours and their fingers curled around your waist so harshly that your chest constricts in the most delicious of ways. 

Adam knows, somewhere deep in his mind, that it’s a blessing to have been invited to the wedding, to have been allowed to participate even though he tried to tell them it wasn’t right, wasn’t  _ what he wanted,  _ when in reality it wasn’t what Adam wanted for them because he’s selfish and petty in some ways. Adam’s fingers feel greasy and oily and he’s pretty sure the bed he’s been basically living in smells like his cologne and body odor and it’s disgusting. Adam absolutely fucking knows that it’s gross that he hasn’t showered in days, or has it been weeks, he can’t remember, but he can’t fucking move away from the bed.

And it’s not necessarily his fault, he think it’s their fault too, but that’s not something he can just put all onto them because they don’t and won’t ever know how Adam feels and he likes it that way. 

He knows, it’s ingrained on the friendship code, that curling your fingers around your cock and tugging and twisting and stuttering out soft pleas for them to go faster is utterly wrong and probably frowned upon because, that’s his best friend. Adam knows it when he’s got three of his small fingers buried to the hilt in his ass and drool leaking down the side of his mouth as he whispers, “Please, James, harder,” into his pillow, that he’s a terrible best friend. He knows it when he’s boneless and covered in his own come that James wouldn’t be grossed out or disgusted, just a little weirded out because, “Adam, we’re just friends,” and he knows it when he washes himself and his fingers wander further down from his belly button that he shouldn’t be doing this. 

And he knows it’s worse to think about his best friends’ girlfriend and what she’d look like with Adam licking her open and how her fingers would feel in his hair as she begged him to go faster.

Maybe, Adam concludes, it’s why he lied and told them, three months before their wedding, that he needed to be alone for a bit, find himself. Maybe it’s why he ended up in the middle of Canada at a seedy motel with only bags of cheap potato crisps and greasy hot pockets to keep him somewhat fed. 

**_“you come drifting in, through the half-light in your funny yellow shoes,”_ **

Adam’s running, he shouldn’t be, but he is, he didn’t mean to set that kid off, he just didn’t like how he was talking to Mary and if there’s one thing Adam hates, it’s an asshole and curse words (but he says them anyways). And his lungs are burning now, and he can’t really breathe, but if he stops then he’s in for a world of hurt and he’s just not about that today. Or any day, really. 

But he’s met with a dead end because he went left when he should’ve stayed going straight and he can hear the other kids laboured breathing as he nears where Adam is holding a trash can lid to shield himself from the thousands of insults and punches surely about to come his way. And then there’s a flash of bright yellow sneakers and a loud whisper of, “This way, Adam!” and he’s counting his lucky stars that Elyse is his second single most important friend as he dashes towards where she’s standing. 

And maybe most fifteen year olds don’t know what love is, but he thinks it’s Elyse in those ratty old clown yellow shoes that are barely together. 

**_“just a little bit of your heart is all i want,”_ **

Adam is ten years old when James tells him to never speak to him again, and it’s odd to him because they’d only been friends for three days. But Adam nods and shrugs his tiny shoulders and goes back to his desk and listens to Mrs. Netterson talk about Christopher Columbus, and truthfully, if Adam had to label him, he’d be a terrorist, or something like that because, what even was this man? 

It’s been three weeks since James told Adam to leave him alone and he’s lonely. He was lonely before, but it’s worse because James doesn’t want to talk to him. And it’s not fair. But then James is smiling sheepishly and a soft looking yellow haired girl is scowling at him and Adam is just lost until the girl says, “James is an idiot,” and then they’re okay. 

**_“when you speak so softly, i am entranced and cannot move, i’ll blink and nod,”_ **

Adam is staring at James and Elyse and they can’t see anyone but each other and Adam thinks the world is spilling out of control because he knows that look, it’s the look Lawrence gives Bruce and Joel, and Adam is tugging his tie because it’s too tight and James is whispering to him across the table when his girlfriend stands up and he can’t breathe. He should be listening, he knows that. But it’s muffled and his forehead is slick with small beads of sweat and Adam doesn’t want this. He tells James this is wrong, they don’t want this, and James nearly punches him and maybe he deserved it.

But then Elyse is back and James’ on one knee asking her to spend her life with him and there’s loud cheers when she says yes and Adam can’t breathe, he doesn’t even notice that he’s outside until he starts shivering. He calls Matt and begs him to pick him up, and if he’s been sobbing since then it’s for him to know. 

**_“you got to me in a way words can’t describe,”_ **

It happens on accident, Adam pushing Elyse against the door and leaning in close enough he can smell the coffee on her mouth. Adam isn’t sure who moved first, but he can’t be bothered when Elyse is licking into his mouth and taking everything she can from him, gnashing their teeth together and knocking their noses in desperate attempts to taste the other and briefly, Adam notes that he can taste sugar on Elyse’s tongue. There’s fingers in his hair and it all feels too much like fantasies he keeps in a box that he only opens when he’s had to much too drink and can’t stop the longing in his chest. But then, Elyse is gasping and moaning into his open mouth and Adam wants to keep that noise forever, so he grinds his hips against hers and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Adam shouldn’t to do it again, but she tastes so good, so he kisses her. Elyse makes a noise, a little, surprised “oh,” as their lips meet. And she's pulling him in, asking for more. He gives it to her, trying to tell him everything, everything, with his lips and his hands, but he knows it won't work because it's not something she wants to hear.

When they break apart, she’s a little disheveled and he looks like a piece of art this way. She’s always art, but he loves seeing him with swollen lips and knowing he’d done that. Just for an instance, she looks like a piece of art the way he made her. Her eyes are big and wider than usual and he can see the surprise creeping back into them. And Adam's tired of walking away because he knows it's no use. He's tired of this whole goddamn thing. So he doesn't fight it, he pulls her to him and he kisses her. He kisses her with everything in him, with all the longing he's done and all the misery at knowing he can't have him. When he breaks away Elyse is left gasping.

Adam slots their mouths together and licks at her tongue, “Come on, you can’t do this here,” is the hushed out response he hears when he pulls away from her and fuck, Adam shouldn’t have kissed her, shouldn’t have caved because James sounds mad. Adam tenses when he feels James crowd behind him and press his fingers into his neck and whisper, “Come on now, lets go home,” 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @togxpi


End file.
